Rambling Reflections on 2018

On this day, this day just following one of the most reflective and challenging Yin yoga classes I’ve ever taken, and the last day of 2018, indulge me in a little bit of reflection. Let’s talk about how this year has gone by so quickly, as years seem to the older I get, but also how this single year feels like it has taken ten years to pass. Last January feels like eons ago.

Work – Paid and Unpaid

In January, I performed in a comedic murder mystery which was somehow incredibly hard for me but went over super well. I was nominated for a CAT award for my performance which is somehow still mindblowing. (It also snowed a lot and I spent a lot of time sitting in my office after work, watching Grey’s Anatomy on my tablet while I waited to go to the theatre because there was no time to go home.)

At my day job, I took on a new very challenging project and attacked it with everything I had. I was only mildly successful. It was humbling. I am trying to reframe my thoughts and feelings about this course and this year I will do better.

Against all odds, I spoke on two panels about playwrighting at two different conventions. It still blows my mind that I’m qualified to do this. (I also attended When Words Collide officially for the first time and it revitalized me creatively in a way that my show in January didn’t. I’m more than just an actress.)

Fitness

I started doing spin weekly with my childhood best friend. Shockingly, my cardiovascular health actually is better. Also, it is so nice to have a regular excuse to see her, even if we are mostly just sweating on bikes instead of talking.

Ugh, Fine, I obviously just want to talk about my personal life…

I had a really great short relationship that ended amiably. I also had a few dating experiences that left me really quite uncomfortable and shaken. While this did lead to a little dating break, it also led to a lot of introspection about what I’m really looking for and what I’m willing to compromise on. (Important note if you’re looking to date me: don’t try to tell me about myself, especially before you have had time to get to know me. Literally just get to know me, don’t make assumptions… I can guarantee you that I, like most people, contain multitudes.)

I have such wonderful friends and I’m pretty pumped about the creation of Winesday.

In June, I went to Vegas with my bbf and it was so much fun. Like, SO MUCH.

Anything Else?

I went from blond to redhead.

Uh huh…

I wrote my first YA novel, which at this first draft moment is not very good. To be fair, I banged out 50,000 words of it during Nanowrimo, how could you expect it to be good? Now comes the fun part of editing and rewriting and making it good.

So, what’s to come in 2019?

Digging deep and loving myself more. Being organized and doing things I probably don’t want to do when that is necessary and dialing back when that’s the better choice. And most immediately, I’m going to do Sober!January and the Fit Girls Guide challenge again. This time I’ll blog about the last two weeks, since I don’t have a novel writing November to distract me. 😉

And in the interim? You can hear me every week on Mystery, Outsiders and Abs: A Teen Drama Fan Cast?

I’m In a Play – Secondary Cause of Death – Theatre Thursday

secondary cause
(Caption: This is the face of a girl who slept for four hours during the daytime on Tuesday because she was sent home from work, and went on to kill it at the theatre that night. This is the magic that theatre does.)

I’m in a play!

Let me be real here – this is not a review for the play that I am in. Mostly because I think the show is pretty great but it is nigh impossible to be objective about a play that you are in. This also isn’t really an advertisement or promotion for the show that I’m in – I’ve been doing a ton of that on social media, even including a “tech week selfie” game with Claire since we always seem to manage to be in tech week at the same time. So, what is this? I guess it’s really more of an ode.

I can’t remember the last time I was so thrilled to be in a play – maybe when I did Scorpio Theatre’s world premiere of Blood of the Red Queen, had a role rewritten for me and knew that I was a part of something that was going to just take off? I don’t know… I’m always pleased to be in a play and I always love it (otherwise I wouldn’t do it), but this time I’m just thrilled.

Part of it may be that I was asked to step into this show to fill a role once they lost an actress after rehearsals began – I hadn’t met the director before so I did do a bit of an audition, though nothing like the ones I’ve written about before – and it’s always nice to be needed/wanted.

Another part of it may be that I’m really getting to stretch myself as an actress. I am playing the type of role that I often get cast in (lovely and graceful) but the process hasn’t been “easy” by any means, and I appreciate that. I swing towards bubbly when I act and I’m playing a character who is on the older end of my age range so there is absolutely no room for bubbly. The show also takes place in England in 1939 (and is very British murder mystery in feel) so accents are imperative. I went to U of C, I haven’t learned accents! But I can do one now…

I think the biggest part of it, though, is that I just feel like such a part of things doing this show. I am a shy person by nature (which people always seem to mistake for my being a bit of a bitch and not just rampantly socially awkward) but everyone in this show has just made such an effort to make me not feel like the “new girl” since Day One. There is a camaraderie in the dressing room that I haven’t actually felt since university (other than during Full Circle Theatre shows, but that’s really just me gathering my friends together and going “let’s make a play!”) and I love it, even when I just sit quietly and listen to everyone else. I absolutely trust every person on that stage to pick me up and save me if I forget a line. (Oh gosh, that better not happen… knock on wood!)

I’m in a play. And even though I am going on vacation the day after it closes, I’m going to miss it when it’s done.

If you would like to see the play that has inspired such gushing from me (and hear my sparkling dulcet tones), Simply Theatre’s “Secondary Cause of Death” runs until October 1 and tickets can be purchased by calling 587-575-656 or by visiting http://www.simplytheatre.ca Come see it. It’s worth it. (This is not a promotion, I’m just happy.)

32 Weeks – Almost Everything

Almost Everything

I know, I know. I’m in Calgary and I’m not writing about the Stampede. I will (I actually love the Stampede unlike a lot of other people who have lived here for any significant period of time, it seems), but as of right now I’ve only been to the grounds once for about 5 hours. Once I have a bit more Stampede-ing under my belt, I’ll be all over a recap. For now, I’m going to bust out one of my vaguely emotional, introspective and overall vague posts that probably only my friends will enjoy. Whateves, it’s my blog, I do what I want.

Something might happen
but nothing will be neverending

~ The Hold Steady, “Almost Everything”

For the past little while, I’ve been struggling with the idea that I should be in a certain emotional place, thinking or feeling a certain way. That if I don’t get there, that’s it. Even more specifically, if I don’t get there soon, that’s it. I never thought I would care much about turning 30, and I’m still not sure that I do, but I am starting to feel like I am running out of time to do and have the things that I want. And that if I don’t pull it together and feel differently than I do, I won’t get these things.

The way I feel right now feels like forever.

Nothing is forever, good changes happen, just like bad changes do.

When the lights come up
I can’t see so much
I can hear you breathe
I can feel almost everything

~ The Hold Steady, “Almost Everything”

Anyone who has been around me for any extended period of time lately has probably heard me announce that I hate everyone.

This is obviously not true.

I am probably closer with both of my brothers right now than I have been at any time in my life. I have absolutely amazing friends and I work with a really cool group of people who somehow aren’t even annoying when it’s 8 am on a Monday and I haven’t had any coffee yet because I’m doing a juice cleanse. (Well… aren’t that annoying. And, really, that is my fault, guys, not yours.)

But everyone new in my life? I just hate everyone. I’ve got no patience for any sort of nonsense, annoying questions, more questions about myself than I deem appropriate, poor grammar, using the wrong “you’re”… literally most things.

And if you swear to keep it decent
Then yeah, I’ll come and see you
But it’s not gonna be like in romantic comedies
In the end I bet no one learns a lesson

~ The Hold Steady, “The Weekenders”

The funny thing is, the less I try to feel differently, the more fun I have. The less I try to like everyone and be relentlessly (or maybe aggressively) positive, as is my way, the more I don’t hate everyone. I think I’m better than I think I am.

So I’m going to jam out to some live videos of The Hold Steady, drink some boxed wine and lean into the way I feel, even if I think that I should be in a different place. Because I am clearly an idiot.

(Note: I realize that 32 weeks kind of sounds like a pregnancy reference? It is most certainly, definitely NOT in any way shape or form. My family reads this, yo!)

Heaven

heaven is whenever
(I couldn’t find a source for this image. If it’s yours, please let me know so I can credit.)

Y’all, can we talk about how exciting it is that it’s a fairly reasonable time on a Wednesday, I’m totally caught up on Game of Thrones and I’m enjoying a glass of wine and the first episode of Season Four of Orange is the New Black while I bang out a few assignments? I even have a mid-week load of laundry in the dryer! I don’t even know if I remember the last time I had this little bit of free time! Sure, I’m still doing work, but today kind of seems like a little slice of heaven.

I even have the mental energy to write a blog post right now.

I mean, not a great blog post, I’m not reviewing an event or discussing a new fitness class, but it’s something, right? A big stream of consciousness something… Instant forgiveness, right? And I do have a few things to write about over the next few weeks – even with all the craziness lately, I’ve managed to sneak in a Lagree class, gotten back into a much needed regular yoga practice at Junction 9 and caused myself some intense fun and subsequent muscle soreness by doing an obstacle course class at cor.fit. (Check out my Instagram for a little sneak peek of that!)

I have worked my way through so many awesome books during my 45 minute dinner break between work and theatre during the past few weeks – I mean, what else am I going to do while I’m trying to get myself fed and shake off my day to give a strong performance?

I’m going to Kimberley with some girlfriends this weekend and I cannot wait to eat at Pedal and Tap (because it was on “You Gotta Eat Here” and you gotta do that when you bring new people to town…) and drink a bunch of wine and watch girlie movies. My life has been so much lately, that I cannot wait for a little break and then for something new.

I have such a summer coming up and I cannot wait to share it with you all. Heaven.

Thanks for all your patience. Such love.

Xoxo
E

Sometimes You Just Get Overwhelmed

Y’all, I may have finally over-committed myself. I always love to have a very full life, but I’m starting to feel a bit of the anxiety that always comes along with too much fullness. I’ve become fairly good at recognizing this feeling quickly, but there’s not a lot I can do to reduce my commitments over the next few weeks. A few of them will fall off in mid-June and then I’ll be ready for some fun and also for some regular writing… which is fun!

But in the meantime, yesterday I accidentally put one of my earrings in my second piercing hole which I haven’t used since 2007 and I didn’t notice that I was uneven until the end of the day.

So, I can’t change the number of commitments I have, but I can stop trying to cram in any more stuff… I can also use my limited free time to engage in a little self-care and limit the anxiety.

Ways to Deal With Being Overwhelmed

Cleaning
girl cleaning
Stock Image belongs to an Atlanta cleaning company and was the least sexy cleaning picture I could find. Troubling.
This idea probably seems counter-intuitive – cleaning is work! Work is stressful! Aren’t we trying to reduce stress!?
Well, yes, but… I don’t know about you, but when I’m busy, cleaning is always the first thing to go. Not the daily stuff like dishes, but I develop a really bad habit of just dropping and going, and the regular maintenance stuff like vacuuming and dusting just disappears. Right now, my room looks like a tornado went through it and it is incredibly stressful every time I go into it. For me at least, if I could spend half an hour setting things right, that would crazy enhance my mental state. I’m thinking sometime on Saturday…

Meal Planning
meal prep
Image of meal prep belongs to Fit Mommy via Pinterest
Nothing is worse than knowing you have an hour to dash home, eat dinner, then get back out the door again for another commitment… and you have no idea what to eat. Either you have no food at home or stuff that takes actual preparation which then leads to the added stress of wasting food/money. The amount of times I’ve either spent $20 picking up sushi like the rich person I am not (SkiptheDishes is dangerous!) or just had Mr. Noodle with peanut butter for dinner…
Right now, I’m doing Fit Girl’s Guide 28 Day Jumpstart and it is a godsend. I don’t have to think at all, they lay out the shopping and prep, and the meals are quick and tasty.
Let someone else do the hard part for you and focus your mental energy on the rest of your life.

Treat Yo’ Self
treat yo self
Image is obvious, isn’t it? Please!
Like, at least a little bit. Find something in your week that you can do just for you.
Love “Game of Thrones”? Carve yourself out an hour per week so you don’t fall behind on your show. (You know you’ll get spoiled if you do!)
Cherish your solo podcast time? Multi-task it… listen while you’re driving, take a walk in the sun with headphones, lock everyone out of the kitchen and listen while you cook.
Want some wine? Well… yeah, why not?

Vitamin D
walking Actually, regardless of if you like podcasts or not, get out to take a little walk and a little sun (or fresh air at least) daily. Even 15 minutes will do a world of good… and if I can find 15 minutes in my day to get outside, you can too.

Instant Forgiveness This is something we practice in theatre but it’s good advice when you are overwhelmed too. Sometimes you’ll do what you consider to be “screwing up”. You may pick up McDonald’s instead of following your meal plan. You may forget to leave time for a run. You may have to cancel plans because you just need a night at home. Don’t beat yourself up about any of these things. It’s not a screw up, it’s just human and so are we.

Even though I’m using a lot of “you”s in this post, this is a just a sampling of the things that work for me when I’m overwhelmed. What are your best tips for dealing with the times where you’re just a little (or just a lot) overwhelmed?